Dating Mistakes: Don’t Lose Yourself

Before you get started reading this life changing blog let me ask you one very important question. When you are with the person you are dating do you behave the same as you would if you are with friends? And would your friends say that your behavior changes when you are around the new boo? Keep that answer in the back of your beautiful mind. Okay, lets get rolling…

Let us pretend it is your first date with someone. You are sitting at the dimly lit bar trying to make sure the light is hitting you just right. You don’t want to look too eager, but you also are ready to give them the award winning smile!

We’ll assume you have been on more than a few dates where the person walks through the door for the first time, and you aren’t even sure if it’s who you are supposed to meet. I see you shaking your head! They somewhat resemble the man or woman in the picture except they have less hair and more wrinkles. And maybe they had a 6 pack in their profile pic, and now they appear to have the entire case! Maybe she was a fitness model in her profile pics, and now she is, well, not!

Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and ages, but we all have a type that makes us swipe right. And on this night they walk in and look better than you could’ve ever dreamed! And more importantly, as you begin to speak to each other there is a connection. They make you laugh, they are smart, and they have all their teeth and a steady income. What happens next may be the most important several minutes of this quickly developing relationship. Let’s assume this connection is one that’ll last. And with that assumption, how happy you’ll be in the next year or so will depend on how you answer this question, “Who will you choose to be?”

There are thousands of single folks to date, but there are few we connect with mentally, spiritually, and physically. So when it begins to happen it is very easy to forget who we are and to begin becoming the person we ASSuME they want to date. In fact, it is what nearly every single con-artist or narcissist does purposefully. However, most of us simply do it without thinking, and not because we are bad people. It is because we have become tired of waiting on someone amazing. Therefore, we assume Mr or Ms. Amazing just walked in and we don’t want to screw it up! And we are all smart people, so we know that the moment we stop being ourself that it may be a huge red flag and honestly…it’s unfair to them and to us. We feel it deep in our soul! We know that we aren’t being true to ourself, and that is not fair to all involved. Yet, we look into their beautiful eyes, we are captivated by the smile, and we don’t want to lose what is sitting across the table.

Let me clarify, you may choose to change things about yourself because you know it’s warranted. For example, you are drinking too much, and plan to cutdown. Maybe you smoke cigarettes, but you have been planning to quit. And let’s say you use the F-word to describe something that is good, bad, or ugly, but you know it’s time to clean up your language a bit. Those may be good things to consider, but you shouldn’t hide it from the person of interest.

If you are hiding your habits then trouble is brewing my friends. I am not saying you should be drinking like a fish, smoking them if you got em, and dropping F-Bombs like it is your job, but let’s be honest…is that who you are at this moment? If so, my guess is, it’ll be who you are or want to be in the future so don’t hide it. And here is the real conundrum, if you aren’t honest from day one then you may eventually resent Mr or Ms. Amazing even though you are the one hiding everything!

And how about those of you that your faith is very important to you? In other words, you want someone to join you on the weekends at your place of worship? Maybe you don’t attend a place of worship, but you have deep spiritual beliefs that you try to follow faithfully. And yet who walks through the door? Mr or Ms Hottie Body who makes it clear they have no spiritual interests, but they make you laugh and give you all the feels and tingles. You have a one or two drink minimum and they start ordering booze by the bottle. You are offended by cursing, and they don’t a complete sentence without it. You love Jesus as your Lord & Savior, and they think He was a cool dude in sandals. Who will you choose to be?

Please understand that I am not judging any of you. It isn’t about your hurts, habits or hangups. It is about choosing to be yourself from the first date. No wait, before the first date if you are on one of the dating apps. Take off your sunglasses, don’t have a hat on in every picture, use photos that are no more than a year old, show full body shots, and turn off the filters. Be you…all of you before you even show up.

You don’t have to tell them everything about yourself on the first date, but don’t become someone you are not! The advice I am giving you will help you find your person. We use that expression often, and you’ll see it in many dating profiles. We all want to find our person. So, the first step for you should be to sit down and write down who and what that person looks like inside and out. If you just focus on whether or not they are hotter, and more successful than your ex then you may very well end up with someone like your ex or worse! You need to find that person who you’ll be laughing with in the rocking chair in 20 or 30 years.

Love ya,

Tony

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