Dating Mistakes: Don’t Be A Healer

I was talking with a beautiful lady who began to tell me about her dating woes. She sat like only a young person can, relaxed on the couch with both legs underneath of her. She spoke intelligently, dressed stylishly, and had an incredible sense of humor. As my generation would’ve said, she is a catch! And like so many single people of all ages…her picker seems to be broken. Ironically, the young men she is insatiably drawn toward are also broken. And many have even broken the law.

Why would someone who can get just about any partner they want choose someone who struggles with addictions or even abiding by the law? Why would they choose someone who struggles to maintain employment, housing, or pay their bills? And how about the incredibly intelligent folks who consistently choose to date someone who is unfaithful? Simply put, why are some women drawn to the “bad boys?” And why are some men drawn to the women who are always down and out?

Often times it started in their childhood. They may have had a parent who struggled with addictions, other illness, or staying out of trouble. As a child they felt helpless, but now as an adult they may subconsciously believe they have the ability to rescue those who have lost their way in life. On the surface it appears they are looking to heal those who are broken, but I personally believe it could also be a sign that they are broken as well. One of my mentors in graduate school taught me something I want to share with you in a moment. Something fascinating and I believe gives us great insight into those of you who seemingly choose those who need to be healed! It will be eye opening for some of you! It’ll explain why so many tend to be drawn to those who will only offer them a life of dysfunction and heartache. Before we get to that let me quickly share a story about my childhood. Warning, you may resent me!

I grew up in a home where I never once thought my parents would get divorced, and never questioned their love for me. Until I was in high school my father came into my room every single night, got down on his knees beside of my bed, and prayed over me. My parents were not perfect, but looking back I feel as though they came very close. Their biggest mistake was spoiling me with love, acceptance, and attention. Because now I am not sure how to handle rejection, and question why someone would not love my sweet ass! In other words, I am not comfortable in relationships or environments that seem unloving, uncomfortable, or dysfunctional.

So my point, why would someone who was raised in a home or spent several years in a relationship that was highly dysfunctional…feel comfortable in a safe and loving environment? As my mentor pointed out, those who are accustomed to living in a dysfunctional environment will struggle in a functional relationship. They feel like a “fish out of water.”

We tend to be drawn to people who offer us environments and relationships that feel comfortable even when it isn’t fulfilling. We may not even realize it! Yes, we will give those who make us feel uncomfortable a chance…especially if (lets be honest) they are unbelievably hot and/or successful. And let’s say that person treats you well, and offers you a safe and loving relationship. Unfortunately that may not be what you are accustomed to and therefore you may move on in search of someone who, well, feels like home. On the surface you look like you are in search of someone to heal, but you simply may be returning to that road that leads to those who cheat, lie, or take advantage of you.

There is one way to know if I’m talking to you. Ask yourself what happens when people begin to point out you are being abused, neglected, or mistreated? My guess is that you begin to make excuses for their behavior. On the extreme side, I’ve seen some even blame their self for abuse and infidelity. Make no mistake about it, you have a beautiful heart, but it is a heart that has been broken too many times.

There are also other reasons why some may want to be the healer. Maybe you want to rescue the hurting because you could not rescue your father or mother? It can also seem as though you never felt accepted by a parent or ex, and you are still searching for that acceptance. To be blunt, this may cause you to continually go in search of those with the same personality characteristics as the pricks you’ve had in your life for too long. You want to prove to yourself and the world you have what it takes to be loved, adored, accepted, and cherished. Well, let me say something very important to you after I share a brief story.

A British business man was visiting Las Vegas and decided to take a drive, and found himself in the suburbs. He couldn’t resist stopping at a garage sale where he found a very cool drawing that he purchased for $5.00. As you have likely guessed, it ended up being worth millions of dollars. It was an Andy Warhol original drawing that was worth $2,000,000.00.

Some of you beautiful people think you are garage sale art, and thus you are dating accordingly! You will not find someone who knows your value by looking in the junkyards of dating. You are fishing in the wrong pond! You can’t heal someone who doesn’t think they are sick.

I pray that you wake up and realize that the creator of the Universe says you are a masterpiece. I may not know you, but I know this…if you are good person then you are to be cherished, loved, and respected. Yes, unfortunately our world would believe those adjectives sound feminine, but to my friends with testes they are for you as well. Don’t settle for less! Get counseling, get a lobotomy, get electrical shock treatment, but get to a place where you are comfortable being cherished, loved, and respected (Disclaimer: Don’t get a lobotomy).

I am at an age where I can truly say that life is short, and goes too fast, but I’m still young enough that hormones and ego can tempt me to make poor choices. My take away since dating as an adult is that nearly everyone says they want a LTR (long-term relationship), but they want it on their terms. We have become very protective of our time and lives, and I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it. However, there is an expression many of us heard when we were very young, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” If we are looking for people who must conform to all of our standards without being willing to bend ourselves…then the probability of having a healthy relationship is the same as me getting a dancing part in the next Magic Mike movie.

I believe that in the next 5 to 10 years we are going to have the largest number of singles in their senior years than ever before. My hope is that being single won’t also lead to loneliness for our generation. I worry less about the female population, because they are much better at forming their “tribe.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be single, and please don’t think I believe that labels you as selfish or self-absorbed. This blog post is for those who want to share their life with a significant other.

I pray that we will begin to choose partners based on their integrity, their character, and their ability to love and be loved. Let’s move away from seeking those we need to heal, the ones who keep us comfortably miserable, or the people who offer prestige/power, but lack the ability to share and love. The question we should be asking is, “Who will be a great friend in the end.”

Love you,



2 responses to “Dating Mistakes: Don’t Be A Healer”

  1. tmfelix50gmailcom

    Just want to say thank you for your insite, as i read this, soooo much resonates with me. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, as I am on my journey to find & love myself. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ready the book “Attached” Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love


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