As I was running today I thought I invented a new psychological diagnosis! For months I have been thinking about how we always define the narcissist as rude, crude, and arrogant, but I have been seeing something different and even more destructive. I didn’t know how to define it until today, when I came up with what I thought was a ground breaking discovery…the sweet and kind narcissist! Before I even took off my running shoes I Googled it, and I’m too late! This is nothing new.

I know what many of you are thinking, “All narcissist are kind at the beginning of a relationship.” I get that, but this is much different than your typical narcissist. The kind narcissist is able to maintain a persona that to many is considered sweet, they’re usually well liked, and very clever. They may not seek a lot of attention, and consider their self to be “private.” And they are often intelligent, talented, and possibly highly educated. This narcissist is well represented among females, but can obviously be a male as well.

Relationships with them can start out fast and fun! After all, they are sweet as hell, and often times very successful! They are a catch! Unfortunately, they will likely catch and release you! The relationship will go smoothly until you begin to disagree with them on any level. At that point you will begin to see that they don’t handle any form of criticism. They are looking for a “yes man!” Arguing with them is a waste of time, because they have a very difficult time admitting when they’re wrong. Well actually, I’m not sure they ever believe they are wrong.

There will come a day when you realize they are actually “calling all the shots.” Meaning you go where they want to go, do what they want to do, and you will rarely get your way. And because they do it with a smile…you don’t realize whats happening for months. Then one day you begin to notice that you seem to be the one doing all the giving, and they are enthusiastically taking. There will be very little give and take with the kind narcissist.

Their kindness comes out quickly when asked to do a favor. They will agree with a smile, and grant you the favor. However, they will complain about it! Maybe not to you, but to anyone who will listen. It is difficult for them to live with others, because everything in the home has a place except for you. They usually don’t have long-term relationships, because eventually their partner will want more than they are willing to give.

Gaslighting is a big part of the narcissistic personality, which can involve some form of aggressive behavior, but not for the kind narcissist. They will take the passive-aggressive approach. When you don’t play by their rules or upset them…get ready for them to disappear. The only way back in? To tell them YOU have seen the error of YOUR ways.

Yes, I’m saying you have to admit you’re wrong even when you know better. One of the most clever ways they gaslight is by apologizing while simultaneously making you feel guilty. It is truly one of their incredible gifts. And when the apology is in process pay careful attention, because you will not hear them actually apologize. There will not likely be a “I’m sorry for hurting you” or an explanation of something they did wrong. They will break off the relationship, and you’ll find yourself apologizing to THEM! Why? Because they’ll make you feel as though you were too needy or too demanding.

The reality is, you simply needed them to do something they refuse to do…share. Relationships are about sharing, and they don’t want to share their time, space, or life. They may even admit it, but they’ll continue to look for someone who will be more like a well trained pet than a significant other.

The typical narcissist wants to control you and will do so with cruelty, aggressive behavior, and often times verbal abuse. Their goal is to be highly admired by all, but I believe deep down it is rooted in a high level of insecurity. They question their value, but the kind narcissist does not! They truly believe they are nearly always right and the world is all wrong.

I’ve found that the kind narcissist is well represented in the Christian community. They are the ones who have it all figured out. They are very committed to their faith, but usually can’t stay in one church, because eventually the pastor will say something they disagree with and thus…time to go! And they will use God when it is convenient for them. “Well, God has lead me to___ ; I believe it is God’s will that we___” are a couple of their favorite phrases. And they’ll always find a way to let you know how much time they spend in “the word” or prayer. It is much easier to live with the pain you are causing others if you convince yourself that you are simply following Jesus.

The kind narcissist is also heavily represented among upper level management. They are proficient in throwing others people “under the bus” and almost always have someone in place to take the fall for their failures. They will fire you and you’ll find yourself apologizing to them for having to do so! As you look back on your experience you will realize they honestly didn’t have a very tough time “cutting you loose.” They know the right words to say, but there is no evidence of true remorse for hurting others.

I would love to have your comments below, because I know you must have some examples and opposing views. However, in the end I am always right! See what I did there?

Love you,

Tony

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