Dating After Divorce: Beautifully Broken

The first thing someone needs to know about dating after divorce….especially if they are over 40 is that we are all very broken. And the ones who don’t think they’re broken or who say they have “done the work” may very well still be shattered! Unfortunately, the dating world after 40 is full of pain, but for some reason I can’t allow myself to give up. I pray daily for God to send me someone who will make my heart not only burst with love, but will be able to accept it without fear.

The first few dates or even months of dating the same person can be a pure dopamine rush, but once things start to get serious you must remember the second most important thing…the pain that their ex caused them will haunt both of you! And before you get all “high and mighty,” the pain your ex caused you will haunt both of you as well.

Many of the women who are single today are there because their ex cheated. And I mention that for one reason. Guys, we need to do better and honor our commitments. Too much damage has been done! However, many of the men who are available today have been made to feel like failures, and have been cheated on as well. Ladies, be patient with them. I know we are supposed to be “the rock” but we are also broken. With time we can be the man you are hoping for, but we are all healing.

Anxiety is going to show up all over the place for both men and women, and while some (including me) have seen that as a bad sign…it could simply be a sign you are falling in love. Give it time and work through it with the help of a therapist, but be very careful not to run from someone who will be nothing like your ex! If one minute you are feeling as though you’ve met your “person” and then suddenly you are out…do some deep introspection. The subconscious fear of being hurt can lead us to run off or runaway from something very good.

I had planned to share some crazy dates and etc here, but it didn’t seem appropriate. Maybe I’ll add those stories to the book! I would like to say that the top three mistakes most of us make when dating is:

  • We date too soon after divorce
  • We have sex too soon (average is less than 5 dates)
  • And as I just covered, We project our ex onto innocent people

I started dating way to soon after my divorce. It’s difficult because our egos are bruised, and we simply want to know if anyone will find us attractive. If that is you then let me clear it up, yes someone will find you attractive! Give yourself time to heal, and they’ll find you more attractive and here is the key….you’ll make better choices! Some of the best “catches” came into my life early on, and I was too broken to know it!

When you first get divorced and make the mistake of jumping on the dating apps…it’ll honestly feel like you are on spring break! Everyone wants to party and do things they’ll regret. It has become a very cruel and unfortunate rite of passage.

If you listen to nothing else I’ve said in this first post about dating please listen to this…don’t rush to having sex. Many of you may have been in loveless marriages where you craved affection, and now every man or woman you meet can’t keep their hands off of you. It feels great! And we live in a culture that says, “You are an adult and if you want to have sex…have sex!”

Do as I say and not as I’ve done, sex means something. It always means something. You may think you have a friend with benefits, but I promise you there will come a day where one of you will want more. I have yet to see anyone offer a benefits package that didn’t have a price. I’ll end with something that makes me feel like a hypocrite, until you are willing to accept responsibility for their heart…be responsible with their body. Don’t ever just see someone as an object…we are hearts and souls. People who have had enough pain. Let’s stop hurting one another.

I Love you,


2 responses to “Dating After Divorce: Beautifully Broken”

  1. Linda Williams

    I find a lot of truth in what you’re saying. My husband and I separated shortly after our 20th anniversary. I chose not to divorce him and he was too lazy to start a divorce. After 3 years he dropped dead from a heart attack at 50.

    After a couple of years I decided I didn’t want to be alone forever and tried online services. Had a good response from many men, but few I considered worth meeting after several emails. Finally connected to one who was perfect for me. We married after four months (saving sex until we married).

    The eight months we were married were nearly perfect. Then he died of a heart attack. I buried exactly a year from our first email exchange.

    The Lord showed me to another match online but it didn’t work out after several months.

    I don’t think He has anyone else for me. The end of this month would have been the 50th anniversary for my first marriage.

    Keep telling people the truth. I seriously believe that when sex starts the couple cease getting to know each other and things begin falling apart unless both are working very hard to keep things together.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shelley98205

    This is amazing! I’ve had two marriages. After the last one of 14 years I lived by myself for 2 years first time in my life. I found myself craving male attention.. which led to bad decisions..then met a guy who I lived 3 doors down from growing up. Rode school bus but he was younger so I didn’t remember.  Moves in with him after he dumped me 2 times over the course of 3 years. And now been here a year and feel that same craving of attention. Truly sucks. I love him so much and express my simple needs but at 43 don’t think he will get it. 🤷‍♀️Geesh.. sounds like I’m venting to a friend! Good luck on your journey and thanks for sharing! Sent from the all new AOL app for Android

    Liked by 1 person

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